She's Baaaack... -- A Nature Documentary on the Black Widow

Just when we thought it was safe to sit back and relax, the gaze of the all-judging, all-seeing eye has once again fallen upon us. Its insatiable thirst for knowledge of our doings refuses to wane. In fact, in its absence during the early part of this week, it has only become all the more ravenous. Do not be fooled by the appearance of cataracts, for the eye sees not the light as does yours or mine, but instead it penetrates through skin and bone to read your soul. In the presence of the one called "Karen," one must think no evil nor speak of it. The guilefullness of this one is unmatched by any other known force in nature. Consider the Angler Fish, which uses a bio-luminescent appendage protruding out over its gaping maw to lure in a potential meal. The "Karen," on the other hand, is a more devious sort. The "Karen" itself presents no physical threat to its prey with its frail and aging 90 pound body. Instead, the "Karen" looks deep into one's soul, and if it senses even the faintest hint of evil intent, it will deploy a very potent form of psychically transmitted neurotoxin that transforms even the most headstrong of individuals into a threat unto itself. It tempts one into thinking evil thoughts, practically goading one into a self-destructive outburst... at which time the trap is already sprung, and all hope is lost: you have already made her shit-list.

The lure of the Angler Fish is easily avoidable to the experienced eye, but the "Karen," on the other hand, packs a full arsenal in the event that one weapons system should fail. If its excessively loud and obnoxious ringtone doesn't chide her prey into jumping across the cubicle to strangle what little life is left from her feeble frame, her piercing voice will launch a campaign of psychological warfare unmatched by any military force yet to be. The word "Scott" may seem harmless when uttered by you or I, but her grating tone causes stimuli in the brain to react in an unpredictable and often violent and inappropriate manner. Meanwhile, the "Karen" remains coiled in her cubicle, stenographers pad at hand, poised to strike by jotting down our misdeeds for a report to the hive mind in control of our operations here at Airlite.

Rather than an instant and painless kill, the "Karen" will slowly suffocate its prey with threats of job loss. With no source of income, the victim quietly starves itself while attempting to seek out a new source of employment amidst our complete failure of an economy until it eventually dies of malnourishment. The strike is unavoidable and boasts a 100% efficiency with its kill ratio. It is for this reason that the "Karen" is referred to as the Black Widow in certain circles.